Here's how the bait-and-switch game at Sprint works:
1) You order a phone plan online but have to pick the phone up at the store, even though everything else is delivered by drones within two days.
2) The woman at the store informs you that the plan isn't valid. She says "Oh-Kayyyyyyyyyy" when you ask to speak to the manager.
3) The manager corroborates the woman's story. The manager has enormous ears without earlobes.
4) You settle for an inferior plan, so as not to waste money, feeling cheap and disappointed.
5) You receive some time later your "Sprint Store eReceipt & Transaction Summary," indicating a plan totally divorced from the one you ordered and the one you discussed with the woman and manager in the store, where you received no receipt.
6) When you discover that an unambiguously bullshit insurance fee has been secretly tacked on, you fantasize of Sprinticide, or at least a class action suit.
7) You chat with "Kaycee V," an exceedingly polite and generally informed robot, who, after you rant like a crazy person online, says "I see. Thanks for telling me."
8) You post something on a blog that nobody reads and hasn't been updated in years.
FIN
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Monday, July 30, 2012
Citi Circle
It's been over a year since I added a circle. You might think that I've been enjoying sterling customer service during that time, but the reality is that I was too beaten down by the world of bad customer service to waste any of the scarce time I have either not working or raising a child by complaining about things that already happened that nobody is surprised by and nobody cares about, other than me. Then I spoke to Citi Cards three different times in an hour, and my head exploded. When I cleaned up what was left of my head, I tried to remember the correct name of this site, which is five hundred letters long.
Before my marathon session with Citi today, I had a long conversation with Citi about a month ago, during which they let me know that my identification had been stolen by someone who went on a spending spree at Walgreens and Pollo Tropical. I don't know how this person got my information, but I think it's sad that he or she only spent four dollars at Pollo Tropical before being caught. The amount he or she spent suggests that he or she purchased a five-piece grilled tropical wings, which makes me even sadder. If you're going to rob me and commit a felony, you should at least get eight pieces and two sides, or eight pieces with rice and beans. He or she spent quite a bit more at Walgreens, presumably on ingredients for crystal meth.
Citi refunded me that money and sent me a new card. That should have been the end of the story, but when I logged in to see if everything was okay, I could no longer access my account. I pressed a bunch of links and entered a bunch of information into a bunch of different rectangles--I can only hope the burglar tropical wasn't watching--and sometimes it seemed like I was really getting somewhere. Ultimately, though, nothing worked, and I was forced to do what nobody wants to do: call the credit card and talk to a robot, hoping against reason that the robot will help.
The first robot assured me that I simply had to activate my card--something I'd done weeks ago--and that now that we'd spoken, everything would be fine. The robot was wrong, and I knew that it was wrong as I was hanging up, but something about the self-satisfaction in its electronic voice made me hate the robot deeply, and I could not bear to be on the phone with it a second longer. The second robot had me do all of the things I'd done before, only now there were new options because the second robot was making things happen on its end. I was grateful for the second robot's help, and had I spoken to merely two robots on this evening, there would be no post. But access to my account gave me access to the following information, which had me on the phone with a third robot in no time.
The third robot, to its credit, did not pretend this was anything but a naked scam. The third robot admitted that I should have been notified of this charge (I was not and I can assure you that nobody ever is) and did not fight me when I explained that it had to be removed. I understand that there are people (I say people because corporations are people now) who make a tremendous amount of money by sneaking fees into bills and contracts in ways that are difficult to find, even if you're vigilant. People (who are not corporations) write about this practice all the time, and nobody tries to excuse it. In the big picture, there are many more important things to care about, and I certainly should have spent the time writing this post reading a novel or talking with my wife or finishing the work that I haven't finished. But these corporation people and their abiding robots make me really, really, really mad, and I want them all to be melted and turned into solar panels that fuel lobbies designed to eradicate their existence forever. Then I want to eat a hundred grilled tropical wings.
Before my marathon session with Citi today, I had a long conversation with Citi about a month ago, during which they let me know that my identification had been stolen by someone who went on a spending spree at Walgreens and Pollo Tropical. I don't know how this person got my information, but I think it's sad that he or she only spent four dollars at Pollo Tropical before being caught. The amount he or she spent suggests that he or she purchased a five-piece grilled tropical wings, which makes me even sadder. If you're going to rob me and commit a felony, you should at least get eight pieces and two sides, or eight pieces with rice and beans. He or she spent quite a bit more at Walgreens, presumably on ingredients for crystal meth.
Citi refunded me that money and sent me a new card. That should have been the end of the story, but when I logged in to see if everything was okay, I could no longer access my account. I pressed a bunch of links and entered a bunch of information into a bunch of different rectangles--I can only hope the burglar tropical wasn't watching--and sometimes it seemed like I was really getting somewhere. Ultimately, though, nothing worked, and I was forced to do what nobody wants to do: call the credit card and talk to a robot, hoping against reason that the robot will help.
The first robot assured me that I simply had to activate my card--something I'd done weeks ago--and that now that we'd spoken, everything would be fine. The robot was wrong, and I knew that it was wrong as I was hanging up, but something about the self-satisfaction in its electronic voice made me hate the robot deeply, and I could not bear to be on the phone with it a second longer. The second robot had me do all of the things I'd done before, only now there were new options because the second robot was making things happen on its end. I was grateful for the second robot's help, and had I spoken to merely two robots on this evening, there would be no post. But access to my account gave me access to the following information, which had me on the phone with a third robot in no time.
| EXPEDITED CARD SERVICE CHARGE | $15.00 |
The third robot, to its credit, did not pretend this was anything but a naked scam. The third robot admitted that I should have been notified of this charge (I was not and I can assure you that nobody ever is) and did not fight me when I explained that it had to be removed. I understand that there are people (I say people because corporations are people now) who make a tremendous amount of money by sneaking fees into bills and contracts in ways that are difficult to find, even if you're vigilant. People (who are not corporations) write about this practice all the time, and nobody tries to excuse it. In the big picture, there are many more important things to care about, and I certainly should have spent the time writing this post reading a novel or talking with my wife or finishing the work that I haven't finished. But these corporation people and their abiding robots make me really, really, really mad, and I want them all to be melted and turned into solar panels that fuel lobbies designed to eradicate their existence forever. Then I want to eat a hundred grilled tropical wings.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
My My My My My Verizon
Time Warner is the Nautica of phone/cable/web providers, but Verizon is working HARD to catch them.
The customer service at Verizon is so bad that while you're waiting, the automated woman repeatedly encourages you to get off the phone. I tried to follow this excellent advice, but in the online circle of hell known as My Verizon, my PIN was locked. I found this remarkable, as I never signed up for My Verizon, a place I imagine to be as pleasant as a penitentiary shower (that inaccurately provides the temperature in your metropolitan area).
I entered my Verizon Account Number so many times I know it better than my birthday. There's a neat little wrinkle on the automated call center where every time you enter your Verizon Account Number, it asks for the number again. It's like "Waiting for Godot," if Godot were a PIN number (spoiler alert: the PIN never shows up).
You might wonder what I was trying to do. I was trying to pay them. My failing bank was bought by a somewhat more solvent bank, and all my direct deposit information changed. Changing this information elsewhere runs from easy (T-Mobile) to mildly annoying (Long Island Power). At Verizon, I would describe the process as suicide inducing.
The third human being I spoke to--I spoke to many robots, all of which were bad listeners that constantly asked me to repeat myself--was willing to take my money. Indeed, she seemed indignant when I suggested she might not be able to do something as challenging as enter a routing and account number. Neither of us mentioned the elephant in the room called My Verizon. Let us never speak of this dark place again.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Remembrance of Time Warner Past
You can check out of Time Warner any time you want, but you can never leave.
I terminated my account on June 11, but here I am on the phone the penultimate day of August, disputing an $85.90 charge. What am I being charged for nearly three months after discontinuing service? According to the bill, there is an $80 "adjustment charge," as well as nebulous fees and taxes. But what is being adjusted? Let's see how many guesses I can come up with while holding:
1) Time Warner's dignity
2) My faith in other people
3) My patience for corporate deception
4) The validity of contracts
5) The meaning of "say hello to simplicity" (Time Warner's motto)
After 39 minutes, I'm still waiting. Any other guesses?
UPDATE: None of the above. In Time Warner, the word "adjustment" refers to the logic-bending "price lock" covered previously. Secondary definition: "whatever the hell we want." Where is my Time Warner-English dictionary? Get on this, Google Translate!
Important question: has Time Warner surpassed Nautica as the single most incompetent corporation in the Customer Service Circle of Hell? There's probably a way to create a poll.
Time Warner's solution: wave an additional fee, not on the bill. I read to them the following transcript, Time Warner formed sentences that didn't make sense, and I hung up the phone and felt sadness.
I terminated my account on June 11, but here I am on the phone the penultimate day of August, disputing an $85.90 charge. What am I being charged for nearly three months after discontinuing service? According to the bill, there is an $80 "adjustment charge," as well as nebulous fees and taxes. But what is being adjusted? Let's see how many guesses I can come up with while holding:
1) Time Warner's dignity
2) My faith in other people
3) My patience for corporate deception
4) The validity of contracts
5) The meaning of "say hello to simplicity" (Time Warner's motto)
After 39 minutes, I'm still waiting. Any other guesses?
UPDATE: None of the above. In Time Warner, the word "adjustment" refers to the logic-bending "price lock" covered previously. Secondary definition: "whatever the hell we want." Where is my Time Warner-English dictionary? Get on this, Google Translate!
Important question: has Time Warner surpassed Nautica as the single most incompetent corporation in the Customer Service Circle of Hell? There's probably a way to create a poll.
Time Warner's solution: wave an additional fee, not on the bill. I read to them the following transcript, Time Warner formed sentences that didn't make sense, and I hung up the phone and felt sadness.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
They Call It Hotlanta Because It Is in Hell
The last two times I’ve flown, I’ve spent an unscheduled night in a city unrelated to my destination. My first impression of Atlanta was that a disproportionate number of people there wear shirts with unintelligible mottoes like “If you are giving one hundred percent, give ten percent more!” or “I look like I care but I don’t.” My theory is that these shirts are designed for the Rapture, so the Divine has clear instructions on whom to take, and who can stay.
Of course, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to conduct this sociological experiment had my Airtran flight not landed fifteen minutes after my connecting flight departed. A wise man once told me that it’s important to fly early, so you can take a later flight if your scheduled one is delayed. Unfortunately, on Airtran, the noon flight is the last of the day.
When the delay first snuck onto the screen, I scuttled to a checkout counter, where a woman informed me that the weather was not Airtran’s fault (indisputable) and, accordingly, Airtran had no responsibility to get me to my destination that day (disputable). Time: 11:00 a.m. Post-wedding hangover: violent to very violent. When I asked if there was anyone else I might speak to, she told me I could wait for her manager, a man whose plan was to first avoid me, then avoid eye contact, and ultimately intimate that I was lucky to be speaking to him at all. But I did not feel lucky.
Still, I might have made my connection had Airtran not spent so much time ushering people onto the plane who did not, in fact, have seats. Or, more accurately, people who had the same seat. The man next to me, for example, had the same seat as another man. They were both large men and had never met each other and, as progressive as San Francisco is, it seemed unlikely they would share a seat for five hours. Nevertheless, they were better off than my wife, who did not actually have a seat. Instead, she had a hole where a seat was supposed to be (see above). The first flight attendant greeted my wife’s request for a seat as though this was wholly unreasonable, but the second flight attendant helpfully ripped a cushion off someone else’s seat.
In Hotlanta, a kind but painfully slow man confirmed that the next flight left in the morning, but not before a little comedy routine with the other kind but slow people at the counter. This is how the routine went: my program won’t refresh, and we can’t make reservations—wait, just kidding, the program doesn’t have a refresh function! This routine was so funny, he called in his boss to get in on the joke, who agreed that suggesting the program could refresh was outrageous. Then there was some light banter about how cold the fan was. Then he told me he couldn’t offer a hotel on account of the weather—airtight Airtran logic—but he could give me a phone number, where I could talk to somebody who would give me a reduced rate.
I called the number, spoke to a human being, and hoped against reason this would work. This did not work. I walked to the busy area where shuttles arrive. The first driver with Comfort Suites painted on his van assured me that he was not going to Comfort Suites and, in retrospect, I should have taken this as a dark omen, as my wife did, who was convinced the driver had no idea where he was taking his van. I had a good feeling about the second van with Comfort Suites painted on it, even after the driver was assaulted by a man in one of those people movers that only GOB from Arrested Development uses. Alas, this driver was also not driving to Comfort Suites. At this point, I called the hotel and asked what, exactly, was painted on his driver’s van. He said, unsurprisingly, Comfort Suites. After asking each arriving driver where his van was going, I finally identified the correct van. This is what was painted on his van: Econo Lodge, Ramada Inn, Country Inn.
Comfort Suites is a bit of a misnomer, as it’s difficult to feel comfortable when you’re using every last bit of energy not to attack the man who doesn’t know what is painted on his own van, and it’s sort of a stretch to call a room a suite when it’s made entirely of bathroom tile. I don’t recommend staying there, or flying Airtran, or flying, but I do recommend Jeff and Inga, whose beautiful wedding made the trip well worth it.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Hell is on the Line
T-Mobile has a nifty feature where you can have your agonizing conversation with a representative emailed to you. This saves me a lot of work. If only all incompetent/malicious corporations were this user friendly.
~Jason G: Hello and welcome to [the newest ring of the Customer Service Circle of Hell]. My name is Jason and I will be glad to assist you today. First, please allow me one moment to review your question.
Me: ok
~Jason G: I understand you are asking about the $19.99 Shipping charge?
Me: correct, as well as the tax that goes with it
~Jason G: Ok. The $19.99 was for express shipping.
Me: right, that seems to be in error
Me: i had a defective part that i had replaced
Me: under warranty
Me: it took several weeks to arrive, however
Me: and i was never told i'd be charged for shipping, nor do i think i should be if it wasn't in any way my fault
~Jason G: Ok. Sorry that you were charged. We can look into see if it can be adjusted. One moment please.
Me: thanks
~Jason G: Sorry for the wait. I have requested approval from my supervisor, and what we can do is credit back half of the shipping charge.
Me: why half?
Me: i need the entire charge refunded
Me: i never authorized it
Me: and the express charge is preposterous
Me: it took three weeks
~Jason G: There are unfortunately no supporting notes in your account saying about the charge, so as a result, we can give half back.
Me: that's your clerical error, not mine
Me: i have a very clear memory of the event
Me: i'll remind you that i've been a customer for seven years
Me: this seems particularly shoddy customer service
Me: if you're not authorized to refund the entire charge, please put me in contact with someone above you who can
~Jason G: We do thank you for your loyalty with T-Mobile. As there are no supporting notes mentioning the $19.99 shipping, we can adjust half of it back.
Me: what do you think "as there are no supporting notes mentioning the $19.99 shipping" means?
Me: because to me, it means nothing
Me: surely, you can see the charge
Me: so what's at question here?
~Jason G: I can see the charge yes.
Me: i didn't agree to the charge, the charge was never mentioned to me, the charge is twice your fault (once for the bad part and once for an oversight)
Me: so in what universe would it make sense for me to pay any of it?
Me: i don't blame you, personally--obviously, you aren't responsible
Me: but i'd like to think it should be clear why i shouldn't be either
Me: it would just be paying for corporate incompetence (at best)
Me: or willful robbery (at worst)
~Jason G: In order for us to send the device, it does require a shipping cost.
Me: ok, let's break this one down:
Me: 1) you sent the device, because it was broken (your fault)
Me: 2) you never mentioned a fee to me (your fault)
Me: 3) you sent it express shipping (allegedly), and yet it took several weeks (your fault)
Me: 4) the last time something was shipped to me from t-mobile (a much larger package), it cost 7.99, and yet this somehow cost 19.99 (your fault)
Me: how about you absorb the shipping cost, as the reason for its being shipped is entirely your responsibility?
Me: the item was shipped because it broke within two weeks
Me: that's a bad product
~Jason G: Ok. One more moment please while I inquire about it.
Me: by any estimation
~Jason G: O, sorry for the wait. I have re-requested approval, and we will be able to adjust the whole amount back.
~Jason G: *Ok
Me: that's good
~Jason G: The adjustment for the shipping and handset assessory tax was r efunded.
Me: so the 19.99 plus 1.72 tax are being refunded, in other words?
Me: should i wait for a new bill then?
~Jason G: That is correct yes. The adjustments will show up on your next bill.
Me: so i should pay the full bill this month, and expect a 21.71 refund next month?
~Jason G: No. the adjustments that I just made are balance impacting, which means the amount you now owe is $70.59. Showing the adjustments were done will appear on your next bill.
Me: ok, so when i login, it says i still owe 92.30
Me: will it take a while to adjust?
Me: because my bill is withdrawn automatically
Me: and i'd like 70.59 withdrawn, not 92.30
~Jason G: It may take up to 2 hours to reflect online.
Me: ok, so i'll check back in two hours
~Jason G: Hello and welcome to [the newest ring of the Customer Service Circle of Hell]. My name is Jason and I will be glad to assist you today. First, please allow me one moment to review your question.
Me: ok
~Jason G: I understand you are asking about the $19.99 Shipping charge?
Me: correct, as well as the tax that goes with it
~Jason G: Ok. The $19.99 was for express shipping.
Me: right, that seems to be in error
Me: i had a defective part that i had replaced
Me: under warranty
Me: it took several weeks to arrive, however
Me: and i was never told i'd be charged for shipping, nor do i think i should be if it wasn't in any way my fault
~Jason G: Ok. Sorry that you were charged. We can look into see if it can be adjusted. One moment please.
Me: thanks
~Jason G: Sorry for the wait. I have requested approval from my supervisor, and what we can do is credit back half of the shipping charge.
Me: why half?
Me: i need the entire charge refunded
Me: i never authorized it
Me: and the express charge is preposterous
Me: it took three weeks
~Jason G: There are unfortunately no supporting notes in your account saying about the charge, so as a result, we can give half back.
Me: that's your clerical error, not mine
Me: i have a very clear memory of the event
Me: i'll remind you that i've been a customer for seven years
Me: this seems particularly shoddy customer service
Me: if you're not authorized to refund the entire charge, please put me in contact with someone above you who can
~Jason G: We do thank you for your loyalty with T-Mobile. As there are no supporting notes mentioning the $19.99 shipping, we can adjust half of it back.
Me: what do you think "as there are no supporting notes mentioning the $19.99 shipping" means?
Me: because to me, it means nothing
Me: surely, you can see the charge
Me: so what's at question here?
~Jason G: I can see the charge yes.
Me: i didn't agree to the charge, the charge was never mentioned to me, the charge is twice your fault (once for the bad part and once for an oversight)
Me: so in what universe would it make sense for me to pay any of it?
Me: i don't blame you, personally--obviously, you aren't responsible
Me: but i'd like to think it should be clear why i shouldn't be either
Me: it would just be paying for corporate incompetence (at best)
Me: or willful robbery (at worst)
~Jason G: In order for us to send the device, it does require a shipping cost.
Me: ok, let's break this one down:
Me: 1) you sent the device, because it was broken (your fault)
Me: 2) you never mentioned a fee to me (your fault)
Me: 3) you sent it express shipping (allegedly), and yet it took several weeks (your fault)
Me: 4) the last time something was shipped to me from t-mobile (a much larger package), it cost 7.99, and yet this somehow cost 19.99 (your fault)
Me: how about you absorb the shipping cost, as the reason for its being shipped is entirely your responsibility?
Me: the item was shipped because it broke within two weeks
Me: that's a bad product
~Jason G: Ok. One more moment please while I inquire about it.
Me: by any estimation
~Jason G: O, sorry for the wait. I have re-requested approval, and we will be able to adjust the whole amount back.
~Jason G: *Ok
Me: that's good
~Jason G: The adjustment for the shipping and handset assessory tax was r efunded.
Me: so the 19.99 plus 1.72 tax are being refunded, in other words?
Me: should i wait for a new bill then?
~Jason G: That is correct yes. The adjustments will show up on your next bill.
Me: so i should pay the full bill this month, and expect a 21.71 refund next month?
~Jason G: No. the adjustments that I just made are balance impacting, which means the amount you now owe is $70.59. Showing the adjustments were done will appear on your next bill.
Me: ok, so when i login, it says i still owe 92.30
Me: will it take a while to adjust?
Me: because my bill is withdrawn automatically
Me: and i'd like 70.59 withdrawn, not 92.30
~Jason G: It may take up to 2 hours to reflect online.
Me: ok, so i'll check back in two hours
Hell's Angels
Flying from New York City to Detroit is quick, only about an hour in the air. So you can understand how frustrated I would be when I arrived 13.5 hours late. Here's the time-line:
Flight #1: New York to Detroit (Delta): Canceled
I'm thinking, well, stuff happens. Weather, mechanical, best to be careful. Surely, they'll put me and my wife on a later flight since it's mid-afternoon. Wait, what's that? You want to send us the next day? Through Minneapolis, which is several hundred miles past Detroit? And you believe this critical information should be delivered via a robot that doesn't leave a phone number where I can ask follow-up questions? Eventually, I found a phone number and an android who would confess, when bullied, that it had lied about (minimum): 1) there being no other flights that day, and 2) their ability to place me on another airline. Eventually, we were placed on an American flight leaving 75 minutes later. It had a connection in Chicago (again, going past Detroit), but at least we'd only arrive four hours late. Why the flight was canceled remains a mystery.
Flight #2: New York to Chicago (American): Delayed
My attempt to get a meal voucher (since we're missing dinner with our friends) is dismissed with something between indifference and abject hatred. To be expected, but I'm getting a little worried because that 75 minute window between when one flight lands in Chicago and the next flight takes off for Detroit is shrinking. And the delay stretches. And now the best case scenario is that the plane lands 20 minutes after the connecting flight is scheduled to take off, and my wife is weeping on account of not being able to see her friends, and hating to fly, and having to spend the night in Chicago for no good reason.
Flight #3: Chicago to Detroit (American): Delayed
Hooray for this delay! After sprinting through O'Hare with despair in our hearts to catch a connection that had surely already left, we find that the plane is still there and the kind attendants are willing to let us board it, even though boarding is over and the doors are sealed. But wait!
Flight #3: Chicago to Detroit (American): Canceled
Two flights--on two different airlines--canceled in one day, surely this is a personal record. There is no mystery here, though. The flight was canceled for the trivial reason of not having a pilot. Hotel and meal vouchers for all, leading to this exchange:
Me: May I have a meal voucher for my wife, as well.
Attendant: This voucher is for you and your wife.
Me: $10 each?
Attendant: $10 total.
We'll dine like kings in Chicago for $5 each! We'll split a "Chicago-style" dog and bottled water--who are you to ask for more? Later, this conversation happens:
Other passenger: You can use that voucher almost anywhere in the airport.
Me (inside my exploding skull): ALMOST ANYWHERE? Thank God, it's only five hours until our next flight leaves because I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight!
Flight #4: Chicago to Detroit (American): On time
This was a relatively painless flight. They did try to move my wife across the plane but failed. We had a nice time in Michigan.
Flight #5: Detroit to New York (Delta): Lost reservation
We're not in the system. The several confirmation codes I have are meaningless. This is confirmed by the attendant behind the desk. My wife explains most of the bad things that happened, while the attendant makes phone calls and whispers things like "this is strange" and "it's just not there." But wait!
Flight #5: Detroit to New York (Delta): Delayed
We're there, after all. You only have to look capable of crying or screaming for long enough. The flight is about 30 minutes late, but by this point, the delay seems positively generous. When the very, very bumpy flight is over, there are other planes at the gate, but this scarcely matters. We're home, and our hatred of domestic air travel cemented.
Final Stats!
Actual flights: 5
Delayed flights: 3 (remarkable since we only booked 2 flights)
Canceled flights: 2
Lost reservations: 1
Flight #1: New York to Detroit (Delta): Canceled
I'm thinking, well, stuff happens. Weather, mechanical, best to be careful. Surely, they'll put me and my wife on a later flight since it's mid-afternoon. Wait, what's that? You want to send us the next day? Through Minneapolis, which is several hundred miles past Detroit? And you believe this critical information should be delivered via a robot that doesn't leave a phone number where I can ask follow-up questions? Eventually, I found a phone number and an android who would confess, when bullied, that it had lied about (minimum): 1) there being no other flights that day, and 2) their ability to place me on another airline. Eventually, we were placed on an American flight leaving 75 minutes later. It had a connection in Chicago (again, going past Detroit), but at least we'd only arrive four hours late. Why the flight was canceled remains a mystery.
Flight #2: New York to Chicago (American): Delayed
My attempt to get a meal voucher (since we're missing dinner with our friends) is dismissed with something between indifference and abject hatred. To be expected, but I'm getting a little worried because that 75 minute window between when one flight lands in Chicago and the next flight takes off for Detroit is shrinking. And the delay stretches. And now the best case scenario is that the plane lands 20 minutes after the connecting flight is scheduled to take off, and my wife is weeping on account of not being able to see her friends, and hating to fly, and having to spend the night in Chicago for no good reason.
Flight #3: Chicago to Detroit (American): Delayed
Hooray for this delay! After sprinting through O'Hare with despair in our hearts to catch a connection that had surely already left, we find that the plane is still there and the kind attendants are willing to let us board it, even though boarding is over and the doors are sealed. But wait!
Flight #3: Chicago to Detroit (American): Canceled
Two flights--on two different airlines--canceled in one day, surely this is a personal record. There is no mystery here, though. The flight was canceled for the trivial reason of not having a pilot. Hotel and meal vouchers for all, leading to this exchange:
Me: May I have a meal voucher for my wife, as well.
Attendant: This voucher is for you and your wife.
Me: $10 each?
Attendant: $10 total.
We'll dine like kings in Chicago for $5 each! We'll split a "Chicago-style" dog and bottled water--who are you to ask for more? Later, this conversation happens:
Other passenger: You can use that voucher almost anywhere in the airport.
Me (inside my exploding skull): ALMOST ANYWHERE? Thank God, it's only five hours until our next flight leaves because I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight!
Flight #4: Chicago to Detroit (American): On time
This was a relatively painless flight. They did try to move my wife across the plane but failed. We had a nice time in Michigan.
Flight #5: Detroit to New York (Delta): Lost reservation
We're not in the system. The several confirmation codes I have are meaningless. This is confirmed by the attendant behind the desk. My wife explains most of the bad things that happened, while the attendant makes phone calls and whispers things like "this is strange" and "it's just not there." But wait!
Flight #5: Detroit to New York (Delta): Delayed
We're there, after all. You only have to look capable of crying or screaming for long enough. The flight is about 30 minutes late, but by this point, the delay seems positively generous. When the very, very bumpy flight is over, there are other planes at the gate, but this scarcely matters. We're home, and our hatred of domestic air travel cemented.
Final Stats!
Actual flights: 5
Delayed flights: 3 (remarkable since we only booked 2 flights)
Canceled flights: 2
Lost reservations: 1
Monday, May 24, 2010
No Dogs in Hell (Except for Cerberus)
How long is too long to wait for a package--is 45 days too long? I hope so because I could only suffer through 44 days in my most recent circle of hell. Here is the timeline:
April 10: Order package.
April 27: Email company to find out why package hasn't shipped.
April 29: Package is shipped (no reply from company). I receive a tracking number!
May 1: Tracking number declares package "Out for Delivery or Available." Package never arrives. Tracking number never updates. How would you feel if you were waiting for your wife and her flight status said "Out for Delivery or Available" 23 days after you arrived to the airport? I would feel worried. Gratefully, I had a present delivered and not a wife.
May 5: I send the exceedingly polite email: "I wrote earlier checking on my package. You sent a tracking number, which is helpful, but it seems from the tracking number that the package should have been delivered on May 1 (see below). Am I missing something?"
May 8: I receive the mostly-polite-and-ultimately-unhelpful response: "You are right, according to the delivery confirmation it looks like it should have been delivered on May 1st, but the post office has not updated the information which is strange. The best thing to do is to bring that delivery confirmation number (that's why we use those numbers) into your post office and ask them where your package is. Perhaps they had a hard time delivering it to your apartment so it's back at the post office, or some other reason that only the US Post Office can come up with. Let me know if you find it at the post office, and if not we can figure out something else"
Two follow-up points:
1) If it's so "strange," why don't you call the post office and fix this for me?
2) If by "figur[ing] out something else," you mean ignoring my emails for over ten days, well done!
May 11: I send this slightly-less-cordial email: "After physically going to the post office with the tracking number and twice calling the secret phone number they gave me, a post office woman just now assured me that the package was lost and they "don't compensate lost packages unless they're insured." I'm really disappointed because I ordered the package in early April as a present, and the guy's birthday is on Saturday. It seems insane that on May 13 it's still not here."
May 15: We celebrate my friend's birthday 35 days after I ordered the package without the package.
May 20: I send this no-longer-cordial-but-also-not-particularly-vindictive email: "It's been a week since I wrote you. See message below. Obviously, you never resent the package, but I still either need you to resend the package very, very, very late (the order was placed April 10) or refund the order."
May 24: I implore you, the loyal half-dozen readers of the Customer Service Circle of Hell, to never, no matter how thirsty you may be, order a dog collar bottle opener from Bark 4 Beer, also known as Bark4Beer L.L.C. They will take your money and not deliver you a package and send you to the post office to look for the imaginary package and not respond to any of your emails. If you are thirsty, do what I did last weekend at a hotel when I had no bottle opener or even a dog, and call the front desk to have them bring you a bottle opener. Failing that, purchase one for one dollar.
Also: happy 30th birthday to this guy.
June 7 (UPDATE!): Good news: "We have concluded our investigation into your case and have decided in your favor." You know you've had a truly excellent consumer experience when two months after your purchase an investigation is concluded.
Bad news: "If the seller's account has insufficient funds to complete the refund owed to you, please be assured that we will take appropriate action against the seller's account, which may include limitation of the seller's account privileges." Is there any doubt that this is the case?
April 10: Order package.
April 27: Email company to find out why package hasn't shipped.
April 29: Package is shipped (no reply from company). I receive a tracking number!
May 1: Tracking number declares package "Out for Delivery or Available." Package never arrives. Tracking number never updates. How would you feel if you were waiting for your wife and her flight status said "Out for Delivery or Available" 23 days after you arrived to the airport? I would feel worried. Gratefully, I had a present delivered and not a wife.
May 5: I send the exceedingly polite email: "I wrote earlier checking on my package. You sent a tracking number, which is helpful, but it seems from the tracking number that the package should have been delivered on May 1 (see below). Am I missing something?"
May 8: I receive the mostly-polite-and-ultimately-unhelpful response: "You are right, according to the delivery confirmation it looks like it should have been delivered on May 1st, but the post office has not updated the information which is strange. The best thing to do is to bring that delivery confirmation number (that's why we use those numbers) into your post office and ask them where your package is. Perhaps they had a hard time delivering it to your apartment so it's back at the post office, or some other reason that only the US Post Office can come up with. Let me know if you find it at the post office, and if not we can figure out something else"
Two follow-up points:
1) If it's so "strange," why don't you call the post office and fix this for me?
2) If by "figur[ing] out something else," you mean ignoring my emails for over ten days, well done!
May 11: I send this slightly-less-cordial email: "After physically going to the post office with the tracking number and twice calling the secret phone number they gave me, a post office woman just now assured me that the package was lost and they "don't compensate lost packages unless they're insured." I'm really disappointed because I ordered the package in early April as a present, and the guy's birthday is on Saturday. It seems insane that on May 13 it's still not here."
May 15: We celebrate my friend's birthday 35 days after I ordered the package without the package.
May 20: I send this no-longer-cordial-but-also-not-particularly-vindictive email: "It's been a week since I wrote you. See message below. Obviously, you never resent the package, but I still either need you to resend the package very, very, very late (the order was placed April 10) or refund the order."
May 24: I implore you, the loyal half-dozen readers of the Customer Service Circle of Hell, to never, no matter how thirsty you may be, order a dog collar bottle opener from Bark 4 Beer, also known as Bark4Beer L.L.C. They will take your money and not deliver you a package and send you to the post office to look for the imaginary package and not respond to any of your emails. If you are thirsty, do what I did last weekend at a hotel when I had no bottle opener or even a dog, and call the front desk to have them bring you a bottle opener. Failing that, purchase one for one dollar.
Also: happy 30th birthday to this guy.
June 7 (UPDATE!): Good news: "We have concluded our investigation into your case and have decided in your favor." You know you've had a truly excellent consumer experience when two months after your purchase an investigation is concluded.
Bad news: "If the seller's account has insufficient funds to complete the refund owed to you, please be assured that we will take appropriate action against the seller's account, which may include limitation of the seller's account privileges." Is there any doubt that this is the case?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Flyover Hell
Sometimes I receive bad customer service that isn't worth getting into a raging fight over; sometimes I have that fight, anyhow, but for the other times, I'm implementing a new segment called FLYOVER HELL. What is FLYOVER HELL? It is the space between the customer service circles of hell where bad customer service happens but does not necessarily destroy you.
On a trans-circle of hell trip from Nautica to Time Warner, I stopped off at Connolly's Pub & Restaurant in Midtown Manhattan for a $5 Miller Lite. When I finished the beer, my glass was taken by the bartender--a reasonable facsimile of a world-weary Irishman--and told I could order another beer or leave. It was early afternoon. The place was mostly empty. I was waiting for my wife, who was supposed to arrive any minute, so I left and walked around in the cold. If you're looking for a bar where you can (1) spend too much money on domestic drafts, (2) be treated rudely unnecessarily, and (3) feel badly about your own ethnic heritage, let me recommend Connolly's Pub & Restaurant!
43 W 54th St.
New York, NY 10019
After that stopover, I figured I'd buy 8 Knicks-Celtics tickets. Since the Knicks, like most teams, take no real precaution toward third-party agencies scooping up all of the inexpensive tickets and then selling them at a premium--in this instance, a 350% markup--the cheapest tickets I could get were $35 on StubHub. Did I pay $280 then for these 8 tickets? No, I paid $320 after service charges and shipping. Which is fine, I suppose, because when scalping is institutionalized, you pay not only the markup but also other made-up fees. What I objected to was the unannounced $12 I was charged when StubHub sent my tickets to the wrong state. If you're looking for a ticket agency where you can (1) spend $35 on $10 tickets, (2) pay an additional $40 in fees and shipping, and (3) have your credit card charged $12 without warning for somebody else's mistake, let me recommend StubHub!
"Where Fans Buy and Experience Sadness"
On a trans-circle of hell trip from Nautica to Time Warner, I stopped off at Connolly's Pub & Restaurant in Midtown Manhattan for a $5 Miller Lite. When I finished the beer, my glass was taken by the bartender--a reasonable facsimile of a world-weary Irishman--and told I could order another beer or leave. It was early afternoon. The place was mostly empty. I was waiting for my wife, who was supposed to arrive any minute, so I left and walked around in the cold. If you're looking for a bar where you can (1) spend too much money on domestic drafts, (2) be treated rudely unnecessarily, and (3) feel badly about your own ethnic heritage, let me recommend Connolly's Pub & Restaurant!
43 W 54th St.
New York, NY 10019
After that stopover, I figured I'd buy 8 Knicks-Celtics tickets. Since the Knicks, like most teams, take no real precaution toward third-party agencies scooping up all of the inexpensive tickets and then selling them at a premium--in this instance, a 350% markup--the cheapest tickets I could get were $35 on StubHub. Did I pay $280 then for these 8 tickets? No, I paid $320 after service charges and shipping. Which is fine, I suppose, because when scalping is institutionalized, you pay not only the markup but also other made-up fees. What I objected to was the unannounced $12 I was charged when StubHub sent my tickets to the wrong state. If you're looking for a ticket agency where you can (1) spend $35 on $10 tickets, (2) pay an additional $40 in fees and shipping, and (3) have your credit card charged $12 without warning for somebody else's mistake, let me recommend StubHub!
"Where Fans Buy and Experience Sadness"
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Duplicity - Available Now!
That's the subject of the email I woke to after my first day in Time Warner. Must this God Warner mock me so nakedly! The body of the email begins as follows:
BEAUTIFUL
BACK STABBING
AT THE SPEED OF NOW
This is not a joke.
Nautica was persistent, but might Time Warner be more dangerous?
BEAUTIFUL
BACK STABBING
AT THE SPEED OF NOW
This is not a joke.
Nautica was persistent, but might Time Warner be more dangerous?
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Time Lost in Time Warner
After many biting months in Nautica, I wandered into a new Customer Service Circle of Hell known as Time Warner. Einstein taught us that time is relative, but in Time Warner, time is especially relative. That is why "Time" is in the name. It is not unusual for 36 months to pass in as few as 12 months! Accordingly, people age very quickly. Nobody knows what "Warner" means in the native language, but many believe it refers to an unusually powerful God capable of dominating huge swaths of densely-populated land without competition or anti-trust prosecution.
What follows is a near-verbatim transcript with the third person I spoke to in Time Warner.
Me: I’ve spoken to two customer service representatives, and nobody has been able to explain this to me, so I’m asking you: can you explain, logically, how I have a 36 month price-lock that raises its price after 12 months?
TW: Well, that’s just the way it works. It starts off at $99 and then it goes up.
Me: So what’s being locked in for 36 months?
TW: Your rate.
Me: My rate was $99. Now it’s $119.
TW: The price is locked for 12 months.
Me: The price is locked for 36 months. It’s a 36 month price-lock.
TW: Well, if you read the fine print.
Me: I read the fine print, and nothing adequately explains this. That’s why I’m calling. Please, can you explain what’s being locked in for 36 months?
TW: The price is locked in... for 12 months.
Me: Don’t use the words "12 months."
TW: Service is locked in for 36 months?
Me: I don’t have a 36 month service-lock. I have a 36 month price-lock. What is being locked in for 36 months?
TW: (Silence.)
Me: Do you understand where I’m coming from?
TW: Yes. Yes, I do.
Me: When I signed up for Time Warner a year ago, I spoke to a man who explained the 36 month price-lock, but he never mentioned the price going up after 12 months. Do you have his name or any sort of identification number?
TW: I don’t have his name.
Me: Do you have anything? Because I have an active memory of this conversation, and what I’m hearing is you have nothing.
TW: All I have is a number that doesn’t tell me who he is, or even where he works.
Me: Put yourself in my shoes. Would you be frustrated right now? Would you not feel great about Time Warner?
TW: I can upgrade you on Internet speed. I can give you our Road Runner Service.
Me: I have your Road Runner Service.
TW: I do see that you have our Road Runner Service.
Me: So there’s no way you can lower the price to honor the 36 month price-lock? You’re the third person I’ve spoken to already.
TW: No.
Me: What if I cancel my contract?
TW: That will be $150. Actually, let me check. No, that will only be $120.
Me: And if I open a new account?
TW: That will be $140.
Me: Can you give me anything?
TW: I can give you our Showtime package. It brings your value up to $190.
Me: Just add the Showtime, and I’ll stop bothering you about this.
TW: It is my job to assure you get the best customer service.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
The Nautica Song
Thank you for shopping at www.nautica.com. We appreciate your business.
Please accept our sincere apologies for the difficulties you have experienced with your order. As a good will gesture, we would like to offer you free standard ground shipping on a future order. Please use the following code ****** by 10/08/09. Since the code is case sensitive, please remember, that you must enter it exactly as it appears in this e-mail.
To redeem your free shipping code, please visit our online store, select the items that you wish to purchase, and proceed to checkout. Enter your case-sensitive code on the checkout page in the field called "Gift Certificates & Promotion/Discount Codes" and click on the "APPLY" button. Your free standard ground shipping will then be reflected in the total at the same checkout screen.
Should you require assistance, please call our Customer Service Team, at 1-866-376-4184. For your convenience, we are available 24 hours a day.
Again we would like to apologize for any inconvenience you have experienced. We greatly value all of our customers, and look forward to our next opportunity to serve you.
Sincerely,
Customer Service
www.nautica.com
***
Dear Customer Service Team,
I have written a song. You may recognize its basic structure. It is not an especially original composition, but I sing it in Nautica every time you offer me free shipping, which is often. Indeed, we've had several conversations about this. You might consult my blog to read about them. Here's how the song goes:
When you're in Nautica
And life is making you lonely,
You can always go FREE SHIPPING
When you've got worries,
From talking to scary robots
Seems to help, I know, FREE SHIPPING
Just listen to the music of the traffic in Nautica
Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty
How can you lose?
The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go
FREE SHIPPING, things'll be great when you're
FREE SHIPPING, no finer place for sure,
FREE SHIPPING, everything's waiting for you
(FREE SHIPPING)
Don't hang around
And let your problems surround you
There are movie shows FREE SHIPPING
Maybe you know
Some little places to go to
Where they never close FREE SHIPPING
Just listen to the rhythm of a gentle scary robot
You'll be dancing with 'em too before the night is over
Happy again
The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go
FREE SHIPPING, where all the lights are bright,
FREE SHIPPING, waiting for you tonight,
FREE SHIPPNG, you're gonna be alright now
(FREE SHIPPING FREE SHIPPING)
FREE SHIPPING
(FREE SHIPPING)
And you may find a scary robot to help and understand you
Someone who is just like you and needs a gentle hand to
Guide them along
So, maybe I'll see you there
We can forget all our troubles, forget all our cares and go
FREE SHIPPING, things'll be great when you're
FREE SHIPPING, don't wait a minute more,
FREE SHIPPING, everything's waiting for you
FREE SHIPPING (FREE SHIPPING) FREE SHIPPING (FREE SHIPPING)
FREE SHIPPING (FREE SHIPPING) FREE SHIPPING (FREE SHIPPING)
(repeat and fade out)
Please accept our sincere apologies for the difficulties you have experienced with your order. As a good will gesture, we would like to offer you free standard ground shipping on a future order. Please use the following code ****** by 10/08/09. Since the code is case sensitive, please remember, that you must enter it exactly as it appears in this e-mail.
To redeem your free shipping code, please visit our online store, select the items that you wish to purchase, and proceed to checkout. Enter your case-sensitive code on the checkout page in the field called "Gift Certificates & Promotion/Discount Codes" and click on the "APPLY" button. Your free standard ground shipping will then be reflected in the total at the same checkout screen.
Should you require assistance, please call our Customer Service Team, at 1-866-376-4184. For your convenience, we are available 24 hours a day.
Again we would like to apologize for any inconvenience you have experienced. We greatly value all of our customers, and look forward to our next opportunity to serve you.
Sincerely,
Customer Service
www.nautica.com
***
Dear Customer Service Team,
I have written a song. You may recognize its basic structure. It is not an especially original composition, but I sing it in Nautica every time you offer me free shipping, which is often. Indeed, we've had several conversations about this. You might consult my blog to read about them. Here's how the song goes:
When you're in Nautica
And life is making you lonely,
You can always go FREE SHIPPING
When you've got worries,
From talking to scary robots
Seems to help, I know, FREE SHIPPING
Just listen to the music of the traffic in Nautica
Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty
How can you lose?
The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go
FREE SHIPPING, things'll be great when you're
FREE SHIPPING, no finer place for sure,
FREE SHIPPING, everything's waiting for you
(FREE SHIPPING)
Don't hang around
And let your problems surround you
There are movie shows FREE SHIPPING
Maybe you know
Some little places to go to
Where they never close FREE SHIPPING
Just listen to the rhythm of a gentle scary robot
You'll be dancing with 'em too before the night is over
Happy again
The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go
FREE SHIPPING, where all the lights are bright,
FREE SHIPPING, waiting for you tonight,
FREE SHIPPNG, you're gonna be alright now
(FREE SHIPPING FREE SHIPPING)
FREE SHIPPING
(FREE SHIPPING)
And you may find a scary robot to help and understand you
Someone who is just like you and needs a gentle hand to
Guide them along
So, maybe I'll see you there
We can forget all our troubles, forget all our cares and go
FREE SHIPPING, things'll be great when you're
FREE SHIPPING, don't wait a minute more,
FREE SHIPPING, everything's waiting for you
FREE SHIPPING (FREE SHIPPING) FREE SHIPPING (FREE SHIPPING)
FREE SHIPPING (FREE SHIPPING) FREE SHIPPING (FREE SHIPPING)
(repeat and fade out)
Friday, April 3, 2009
In Nautica, the Tables Are Turned
Thank you for contacting www.Nautica.com.
Please accept our sincere apologies for all the difficulties you have experienced with your order. We strive to offer you a level of service that delights you and invites you to return. We are always disappointed when we learn we have fallen short of our goal!
Please be assured that we will do everything we can to expedite your credit for the remaining three ties. Thank you for your patience in this matter.
If you have additional questions, please visit our online Customer Service section. Again, thank you for contacting us.
Sincerely,
The Customer Service Team
www.Nautica.com
***
Dear Customer Service Team,
What happened to Rachel C? I thought I was getting somewhere in the high seas of Nautica, but now the North Star has disappeared from the night sky, and I feel rudderless. Drifting through these dark waters, I try to articulate my feelings. Is it delighted, as you suggest? Perhaps not. Do I feel invited to return to Nautica? This is a difficult question to answer, as I'm not sure I will ever leave this strange place. But I fear you're being too hard on yourself. If your goal is collecting money for a product and providing that product, yes, I must admit, you have failed quite miserably. But if your goal is launching me on a dazzling journey whose end I cannot begin to imagine, then this has been a tremendous success! After five email exchanges, I wonder: what could a company do to assure me it cares about my patronage? I decided that a phone call would be too presumptuous. I also decided that offering a modest discount on future purchases would be reaching too far. Finally, I stumbled upon the perfect solution, which to my wonder, you also reached: return my money on your schedule! Is it possible that we have spent so much time together, we're beginning to think the same?
Please accept our sincere apologies for all the difficulties you have experienced with your order. We strive to offer you a level of service that delights you and invites you to return. We are always disappointed when we learn we have fallen short of our goal!
Please be assured that we will do everything we can to expedite your credit for the remaining three ties. Thank you for your patience in this matter.
If you have additional questions, please visit our online Customer Service section. Again, thank you for contacting us.
Sincerely,
The Customer Service Team
www.Nautica.com
***
Dear Customer Service Team,
What happened to Rachel C? I thought I was getting somewhere in the high seas of Nautica, but now the North Star has disappeared from the night sky, and I feel rudderless. Drifting through these dark waters, I try to articulate my feelings. Is it delighted, as you suggest? Perhaps not. Do I feel invited to return to Nautica? This is a difficult question to answer, as I'm not sure I will ever leave this strange place. But I fear you're being too hard on yourself. If your goal is collecting money for a product and providing that product, yes, I must admit, you have failed quite miserably. But if your goal is launching me on a dazzling journey whose end I cannot begin to imagine, then this has been a tremendous success! After five email exchanges, I wonder: what could a company do to assure me it cares about my patronage? I decided that a phone call would be too presumptuous. I also decided that offering a modest discount on future purchases would be reaching too far. Finally, I stumbled upon the perfect solution, which to my wonder, you also reached: return my money on your schedule! Is it possible that we have spent so much time together, we're beginning to think the same?
Tempted by a Siren (But Is She Real?) in Nautica
Dear Rachel C,
I have started a blog to document our correspondence. You might ask yourself why somebody would take time out of his day to do this, and the answer is that if I did not, nobody would believe me. I only have two followers but I am going to forward my web log to everyone I know on the Internets, so I expect the number to rise.
Since you are the first robot kind enough to offer your name, I would like to extend an invitation to you. It details my journeys in an untamed land I call Nautica!
http://customerservicecircleofhell.blogspot.com/
***
Dear Valued Customer, The e-mail you replied to was sent from a notification-only program, and it is unable to accept incoming e-mail. You will not receive another response to this e-mail. For the most recent information pertaining to the status of your order, please login to the "My Account" section of our website. The information located in your account is the most accurate and up-to-date information available regarding the status of your order. To access your account, please go to the "My Account" link located on the home page of our website. You will then be prompted to enter your e-mail address and password to proceed. If you are unable to find an answer to your question, you may contact one of our Customer Service Representatives through our online Customer Service at www.nautica.com/helpdesk. We appreciate your interest in our online store and thank you for your business. Best Regards, Customer Service at www.nautica.com
I have started a blog to document our correspondence. You might ask yourself why somebody would take time out of his day to do this, and the answer is that if I did not, nobody would believe me. I only have two followers but I am going to forward my web log to everyone I know on the Internets, so I expect the number to rise.
Since you are the first robot kind enough to offer your name, I would like to extend an invitation to you. It details my journeys in an untamed land I call Nautica!
http://
***
Dear Valued Customer, The e-mail you replied to was sent from a notification-only program, and it is unable to accept incoming e-mail. You will not receive another response to this e-mail. For the most recent information pertaining to the status of your order, please login to the "My Account" section of our website. The information located in your account is the most accurate and up-to-date information available regarding the status of your order. To access your account, please go to the "My Account" link located on the home page of our website. You will then be prompted to enter your e-mail address and password to proceed. If you are unable to find an answer to your question, you may contact one of our Customer Service Representatives through our online Customer Service at www.nautica.com/helpdesk. We appreciate your interest in our online store and thank you for your business. Best Regards, Customer Service at www.nautica.com
Our Ship Hits the Rocks in Nautica
Dear Customer Service Team,
Getting tough, are we? Somehow this notification-only program has sent me three different replies to three separate emails (eagerly awaiting the fourth), some of which personally addressed my questions. Is the ghost behind the machine getting exasperated? I understand the feeling. I have four white shirts waiting for the four ties I ordered in mid-March. With your generous refund, I can buy one new tie, though not from Nautica. Perhaps from, I don't know, anywhere else on Earth.
***
Thank you for contacting Customer Service at www.nautica.com.
We apologize for the difficulties you have experienced. We have submitted a request (ID *******) to have your account credited for the remaining three ties. Once the credit has been issued, you will receive an email notification. Again, please accept our apologies.
Please let us know if there is anything else we can do for you, and thank you again for contacting Customer Service at www.nautica.com.
Sincerely,
Rachel C.
Customer Service Representative
Customer Service at www.nautica.com
Getting tough, are we? Somehow this notification-only program has sent me three different replies to three separate emails (eagerly awaiting the fourth), some of which personally addressed my questions. Is the ghost behind the machine getting exasperated? I understand the feeling. I have four white shirts waiting for the four ties I ordered in mid-March. With your generous refund, I can buy one new tie, though not from Nautica. Perhaps from, I don't know, anywhere else on Earth.
***
Thank you for contacting Customer Service at www.nautica.com.
We apologize for the difficulties you have experienced. We have submitted a request (ID *******) to have your account credited for the remaining three ties. Once the credit has been issued, you will receive an email notification. Again, please accept our apologies.
Please let us know if there is anything else we can do for you, and thank you again for contacting Customer Service at www.nautica.com.
Sincerely,
Rachel C.
Customer Service Representative
Customer Service at www.nautica.com
Tension Thickens in Nautica
Dear Customer Service Team,
I ordered four ties. Why was I only refunded one? Let's take a closer look at this email:
Item: *******
Description: FOUR LINE STRIPE
Quantity: 1- @ $41.25
Sub-Total: $41.25-
Total Credit: $41.25-
The second line says "FOUR." The third line says "1." This is the third time I've written you. What circle of customer service hell have I entered? And who will my Virgil be?
***
Dear Valued Customer, The e-mail you replied to was sent from a notification-only program, and it is unable to accept incoming e-mail. You will not receive another response to this e-mail. For the most recent information pertaining to the status of your order, please login to the "My Account" section of our website. The information located in your account is the most accurate and up-to-date information available regarding the status of your order. To access your account, please go to the "My Account" link located on the home page of our website. You will then be prompted to enter your e-mail address and password to proceed. If you are unable to find an answer to your question, you may contact one of our Customer Service Representatives through our online Customer Service at www.nautica.com/helpdesk. We appreciate your interest in our online store and thank you for your business. Best Regards, Customer Service at www.nautica.com
I ordered four ties. Why was I only refunded one? Let's take a closer look at this email:
Item: *******
Description: FOUR LINE STRIPE
Quantity: 1- @ $41.25
Sub-Total: $41.25-
Total Credit: $41.25-
***
Dear Valued Customer, The e-mail you replied to was sent from a notification-only program, and it is unable to accept incoming e-mail. You will not receive another response to this e-mail. For the most recent information pertaining to the status of your order, please login to the "My Account" section of our website. The information located in your account is the most accurate and up-to-date information available regarding the status of your order. To access your account, please go to the "My Account" link located on the home page of our website. You will then be prompted to enter your e-mail address and password to proceed. If you are unable to find an answer to your question, you may contact one of our Customer Service Representatives through our online Customer Service at www.nautica.com/helpdesk. We appreciate your interest in our online store and thank you for your business. Best Regards, Customer Service at www.nautica.com
Our Journey Continues in Nautica
Dear Customer Service Team,
In regards to your recent form letter, do you recognize the irony of offering free shipping when my problem is that you did not ship my order? What other "good will gesture[s]" does Nautica provide? Free postage on future emails? If I say that I don't want four ties, will you send four ties. Please do not send me four ties.
***
Thank you for contacting www.Nautica.com.
We sincerely apologize if you were offended by our offer of free shipping. We have requested that someone from our Operations Department contact you regarding your order. Your request ID number is *******. Please allow 24-48 hours for a reply. Again, we appreciate your patience and understanding in this matter.
If you have additional questions, please visit our online Customer Service section. Again, thank you for contacting us.
Sincerely,
The Customer Service Team
www.Nautica.com
The Customer Service Team
Our Journey Begins in Nautica
Dear Customer Service Team,
I just got off the phone with FedEx, and the representative told me that FedEx never received my order, even though it was placed over two weeks ago. The cheery email below assures me that my "item(s) have shipped!" But have they? They have not. When I called a representative from Nautica, she told me that the order could not be filled, this despite my credit card having already been charged over $160. I was never notified by Nautica that the order could not be filled. Charging a consumer for a product and not delivering that product is at best irresponsible and at worst fraud. Why did I never hear from Nautica that my order could not be filled? And why, when I contacted Nautica, was the company unable to do anything for me other than suggest I place the order again? Would you, were you in my shoes, place the order again? I hope that this email finds its way to somebody who has some authority over other people, as the woman I spoke to assured me there was nobody else I could speak to, and I cannot imagine that she is correct. Then again, I am accustomed to receiving the products I pay for, or at least being notified that they are no longer available. Perhaps this is not the Nautica Way.
***
Thank you for shopping at www.nautica.com. We appreciate your business.
Please accept our sincere apologies for the difficulties you have experienced with your order. As a good will gesture, we would like to offer you free standard ground shipping on a future order. We have submitted a requst to have a the free shipping code emailed to you. Your request ID number is *******. Please allow 2-3 business days for it to arrive.
To redeem your free shipping code, please visit our online store, select the items that you wish to purchase, and proceed to checkout. Enter your case-sensitive code on the checkout page in the field called "Gift Certificates & Promotion/Discount Codes" and click on the "APPLY" button. Your free standard ground shipping will then be reflected in the total at the same checkout screen.
Should you require assistance, please call our Customer Service Team, at 1-866-376-4184. For your convenience, we are available 24 hours a day.
Again we would like to apologize for any inconvenience you have experienced. We greatly value all of our customers, and look forward to our next opportunity to serve you.
Sincerely,
Customer Service
www.nautica.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
