Flyover Hell

Sometimes I receive bad customer service that isn't worth getting into a raging fight over; sometimes I have that fight, anyhow, but for the other times, I'm implementing a new segment called FLYOVER HELL. What is FLYOVER HELL? It is the space between the customer service circles of hell where bad customer service happens but does not necessarily destroy you.

On a trans-circle of hell trip from Nautica to Time Warner, I stopped off at Connolly's Pub & Restaurant in Midtown Manhattan for a $5 Miller Lite. When I finished the beer, my glass was taken by the bartender--a reasonable facsimile of a world-weary Irishman--and told I could order another beer or leave. It was early afternoon. The place was mostly empty. I was waiting for my wife, who was supposed to arrive any minute, so I left and walked around in the cold. If you're looking for a bar where you can (1) spend too much money on domestic drafts, (2) be treated rudely unnecessarily, and (3) feel badly about your own ethnic heritage, let me recommend Connolly's Pub & Restaurant!

43 W 54th St.
New York, NY 10019

After that stopover, I figured I'd buy 8 Knicks-Celtics tickets. Since the Knicks, like most teams, take no real precaution toward third-party agencies scooping up all of the inexpensive tickets and then selling them at a premium--in this instance, a 350% markup--the cheapest tickets I could get were $35 on StubHub. Did I pay $280 then for these 8 tickets? No, I paid $320 after service charges and shipping. Which is fine, I suppose, because when scalping is institutionalized, you pay not only the markup but also other made-up fees. What I objected to was the unannounced $12 I was charged when StubHub sent my tickets to the wrong state. If you're looking for a ticket agency where you can (1) spend $35 on $10 tickets, (2) pay an additional $40 in fees and shipping, and (3) have your credit card charged $12 without warning for somebody else's mistake, let me recommend StubHub!

"Where Fans Buy and Experience Sadness"

Duplicity - Available Now!

That's the subject of the email I woke to after my first day in Time Warner. Must this God Warner mock me so nakedly! The body of the email begins as follows:

BEAUTIFUL
BACK STABBING
AT THE SPEED OF NOW

This is not a joke.

Nautica was persistent, but might Time Warner be more dangerous?

Time Lost in Time Warner

After many biting months in Nautica, I wandered into a new Customer Service Circle of Hell known as Time Warner. Einstein taught us that time is relative, but in Time Warner, time is especially relative. That is why "Time" is in the name. It is not unusual for 36 months to pass in as few as 12 months! Accordingly, people age very quickly. Nobody knows what "Warner" means in the native language, but many believe it refers to an unusually powerful God capable of dominating huge swaths of densely-populated land without competition or anti-trust prosecution.

What follows is a near-verbatim transcript with the third person I spoke to in Time Warner.

Me: I’ve spoken to two customer service representatives, and nobody has been able to explain this to me, so I’m asking you: can you explain, logically, how I have a 36 month price-lock that raises its price after 12 months?

TW: Well, that’s just the way it works. It starts off at $99 and then it goes up.

Me: So what’s being locked in for 36 months?

TW: Your rate.

Me: My rate was $99. Now it’s $119.

TW: The price is locked for 12 months.

Me: The price is locked for 36 months. It’s a 36 month price-lock.

TW: Well, if you read the fine print.

Me: I read the fine print, and nothing adequately explains this. That’s why I’m calling. Please, can you explain what’s being locked in for 36 months?

TW: The price is locked in... for 12 months.

Me: Don’t use the words "12 months."

TW: Service is locked in for 36 months?

Me: I don’t have a 36 month service-lock. I have a 36 month price-lock. What is being locked in for 36 months?

TW: (Silence.)

Me: Do you understand where I’m coming from?

TW: Yes. Yes, I do.

Me: When I signed up for Time Warner a year ago, I spoke to a man who explained the 36 month price-lock, but he never mentioned the price going up after 12 months. Do you have his name or any sort of identification number?

TW: I don’t have his name.

Me: Do you have anything? Because I have an active memory of this conversation, and what I’m hearing is you have nothing.

TW: All I have is a number that doesn’t tell me who he is, or even where he works.

Me: Put yourself in my shoes. Would you be frustrated right now? Would you not feel great about Time Warner?

TW: I can upgrade you on Internet speed. I can give you our Road Runner Service.

Me: I have your Road Runner Service.

TW: I do see that you have our Road Runner Service.

Me: So there’s no way you can lower the price to honor the 36 month price-lock? You’re the third person I’ve spoken to already.

TW: No.

Me: What if I cancel my contract?

TW: That will be $150. Actually, let me check. No, that will only be $120.

Me: And if I open a new account?

TW: That will be $140.

Me: Can you give me anything?

TW: I can give you our Showtime package. It brings your value up to $190.

Me: Just add the Showtime, and I’ll stop bothering you about this.

TW: It is my job to assure you get the best customer service.

The Nautica Song

Thank you for shopping at www.nautica.com. We appreciate your business.

Please accept our sincere apologies for the difficulties you have experienced with your order. As a good will gesture, we would like to offer you free standard ground shipping on a future order. Please use the following code ****** by 10/08/09. Since the code is case sensitive, please remember, that you must enter it exactly as it appears in this e-mail.

To redeem your free shipping code, please visit our online store, select the items that you wish to purchase, and proceed to checkout. Enter your case-sensitive code on the checkout page in the field called "Gift Certificates & Promotion/Discount Codes" and click on the "APPLY" button. Your free standard ground shipping will then be reflected in the total at the same checkout screen.

Should you require assistance, please call our Customer Service Team, at 1-866-376-4184. For your convenience, we are available 24 hours a day.

Again we would like to apologize for any inconvenience you have experienced. We greatly value all of our customers, and look forward to our next opportunity to serve you.

Sincerely,
Customer Service
www.nautica.com

***

Dear Customer Service Team,

I have written a song. You may recognize its basic structure. It is not an especially original composition, but I sing it in Nautica every time you offer me free shipping, which is often. Indeed, we've had several conversations about this. You might consult my blog to read about them. Here's how the song goes:

When you're in Nautica
And life is making you lonely,
You can always go FREE SHIPPING
When you've got worries,
From talking to scary robots
Seems to help, I know, FREE SHIPPING

Just listen to the music of the traffic in Nautica
Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty
How can you lose?

The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go
FREE SHIPPING, things'll be great when you're
FREE SHIPPING, no finer place for sure,
FREE SHIPPING, everything's waiting for you
(FREE SHIPPING)

Don't hang around
And let your problems surround you
There are movie shows FREE SHIPPING
Maybe you know
Some little places to go to
Where they never close FREE SHIPPING

Just listen to the rhythm of a gentle scary robot
You'll be dancing with 'em too before the night is over
Happy again

The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go
FREE SHIPPING, where all the lights are bright,
FREE SHIPPING, waiting for you tonight,
FREE SHIPPNG, you're gonna be alright now
(FREE SHIPPING FREE SHIPPING)

FREE SHIPPING
(FREE SHIPPING)

And you may find a scary robot to help and understand you
Someone who is just like you and needs a gentle hand to
Guide them along

So, maybe I'll see you there
We can forget all our troubles, forget all our cares and go
FREE SHIPPING, things'll be great when you're
FREE SHIPPING, don't wait a minute more,
FREE SHIPPING, everything's waiting for you

FREE SHIPPING (FREE SHIPPING) FREE SHIPPING (FREE SHIPPING)
FREE SHIPPING (FREE SHIPPING) FREE SHIPPING (FREE SHIPPING)
(repeat and fade out)

In Nautica, the Tables Are Turned

Thank you for contacting www.Nautica.com.

Please accept our sincere apologies for all the difficulties you have experienced with your order. We strive to offer you a level of service that delights you and invites you to return. We are always disappointed when we learn we have fallen short of our goal!

Please be assured that we will do everything we can to expedite your credit for the remaining three ties. Thank you for your patience in this matter.

If you have additional questions, please visit our online Customer Service section. Again, thank you for contacting us.

Sincerely,
The Customer Service Team
www.Nautica.com

***

Dear Customer Service Team,

What happened to Rachel C? I thought I was getting somewhere in the high seas of Nautica, but now the North Star has disappeared from the night sky, and I feel rudderless. Drifting through these dark waters, I try to articulate my feelings. Is it delighted, as you suggest? Perhaps not. Do I feel invited to return to Nautica? This is a difficult question to answer, as I'm not sure I will ever leave this strange place. But I fear you're being too hard on yourself. If your goal is collecting money for a product and providing that product, yes, I must admit, you have failed quite miserably. But if your goal is launching me on a dazzling journey whose end I cannot begin to imagine, then this has been a tremendous success! After five email exchanges, I wonder: what could a company do to assure me it cares about my patronage? I decided that a phone call would be too presumptuous. I also decided that offering a modest discount on future purchases would be reaching too far. Finally, I stumbled upon the perfect solution, which to my wonder, you also reached: return my money on your schedule! Is it possible that we have spent so much time together, we're beginning to think the same?

Tempted by a Siren (But Is She Real?) in Nautica

Dear Rachel C,

I have started a blog to document our correspondence. You might ask yourself why somebody would take time out of his day to do this, and the answer is that if I did not, nobody would believe me. I only have two followers but I am going to forward my web log to everyone I know on the Internets, so I expect the number to rise.

Since you are the first robot kind enough to offer your name, I would like to extend an invitation to you. It details my journeys in an untamed land I call Nautica!

http://customerservicecircleofhell.blogspot.com/

***

Dear Valued Customer, The e-mail you replied to was sent from a notification-only program, and it is unable to accept incoming e-mail. You will not receive another response to this e-mail. For the most recent information pertaining to the status of your order, please login to the "My Account" section of our website. The information located in your account is the most accurate and up-to-date information available regarding the status of your order. To access your account, please go to the "My Account" link located on the home page of our website. You will then be prompted to enter your e-mail address and password to proceed. If you are unable to find an answer to your question, you may contact one of our Customer Service Representatives through our online Customer Service at www.nautica.com/helpdesk. We appreciate your interest in our online store and thank you for your business. Best Regards, Customer Service at www.nautica.com

Our Ship Hits the Rocks in Nautica

Dear Customer Service Team,

Getting tough, are we? Somehow this notification-only program has sent me three different replies to three separate emails (eagerly awaiting the fourth), some of which personally addressed my questions. Is the ghost behind the machine getting exasperated? I understand the feeling. I have four white shirts waiting for the four ties I ordered in mid-March. With your generous refund, I can buy one new tie, though not from Nautica. Perhaps from, I don't know, anywhere else on Earth.

***

Thank you for contacting Customer Service at www.nautica.com.

We apologize for the difficulties you have experienced. We have submitted a request (ID *******) to have your account credited for the remaining three ties. Once the credit has been issued, you will receive an email notification. Again, please accept our apologies.

Please let us know if there is anything else we can do for you, and thank you again for contacting Customer Service at www.nautica.com.

Sincerely,
Rachel C.
Customer Service Representative
Customer Service at www.nautica.com

Tension Thickens in Nautica

Dear Customer Service Team,

I ordered four ties. Why was I only refunded one? Let's take a closer look at this email:

Item: *******
Description: FOUR LINE STRIPE
Quantity: 1- @ $41.25

Sub-Total: $41.25-
Total Credit: $41.25-

The second line says "FOUR." The third line says "1." This is the third time I've written you. What circle of customer service hell have I entered? And who will my Virgil be?

***

Dear Valued Customer, The e-mail you replied to was sent from a notification-only program, and it is unable to accept incoming e-mail. You will not receive another response to this e-mail. For the most recent information pertaining to the status of your order, please login to the "My Account" section of our website. The information located in your account is the most accurate and up-to-date information available regarding the status of your order. To access your account, please go to the "My Account" link located on the home page of our website. You will then be prompted to enter your e-mail address and password to proceed. If you are unable to find an answer to your question, you may contact one of our Customer Service Representatives through our online Customer Service at www.nautica.com/helpdesk. We appreciate your interest in our online store and thank you for your business. Best Regards, Customer Service at www.nautica.com

Our Journey Continues in Nautica

Dear Customer Service Team,

In regards to your recent form letter, do you recognize the irony of offering free shipping when my problem is that you did not ship my order? What other "good will gesture[s]" does Nautica provide? Free postage on future emails? If I say that I don't want four ties, will you send four ties. Please do not send me four ties.

***

Thank you for contacting www.Nautica.com.

We sincerely apologize if you were offended by our offer of free shipping. We have requested that someone from our Operations Department contact you regarding your order. Your request ID number is *******. Please allow 24-48 hours for a reply. Again, we appreciate your patience and understanding in this matter.

If you have additional questions, please visit our online Customer Service section. Again, thank you for contacting us.

Sincerely,
The Customer Service Team

www.Nautica.com

Our Journey Begins in Nautica

Dear Customer Service Team,

I just got off the phone with FedEx, and the representative told me that FedEx never received my order, even though it was placed over two weeks ago. The cheery email below assures me that my "item(s) have shipped!" But have they? They have not. When I called a representative from Nautica, she told me that the order could not be filled, this despite my credit card having already been charged over $160. I was never notified by Nautica that the order could not be filled. Charging a consumer for a product and not delivering that product is at best irresponsible and at worst fraud. Why did I never hear from Nautica that my order could not be filled? And why, when I contacted Nautica, was the company unable to do anything for me other than suggest I place the order again? Would you, were you in my shoes, place the order again? I hope that this email finds its way to somebody who has some authority over other people, as the woman I spoke to assured me there was nobody else I could speak to, and I cannot imagine that she is correct. Then again, I am accustomed to receiving the products I pay for, or at least being notified that they are no longer available. Perhaps this is not the Nautica Way.

***

Thank you for shopping at www.nautica.com. We appreciate your business.

Please accept our sincere apologies for the difficulties you have experienced with your order. As a good will gesture, we would like to offer you free standard ground shipping on a future order. We have submitted a requst to have a the free shipping code emailed to you. Your request ID number is *******. Please allow 2-3 business days for it to arrive.

To redeem your free shipping code, please visit our online store, select the items that you wish to purchase, and proceed to checkout. Enter your case-sensitive code on the checkout page in the field called "Gift Certificates & Promotion/Discount Codes" and click on the "APPLY" button. Your free standard ground shipping will then be reflected in the total at the same checkout screen.

Should you require assistance, please call our Customer Service Team, at 1-866-376-4184. For your convenience, we are available 24 hours a day.

Again we would like to apologize for any inconvenience you have experienced. We greatly value all of our customers, and look forward to our next opportunity to serve you.

Sincerely,
Customer Service
www.nautica.com